Two weeks.
Two weeks from today is my birthday. I always hype my birthday up to be some awesome event. And for what? I’m not sure. I usually end up severely disappointed and alone, at least in the last few years anyway.
I hate February. I wish I could completely skip over it. 2009 was the worst February of my life. Hands down. Two days after my birthday we put my dog to sleep. Nearly three years later and I still feel like I abandoned her. I know she was dying and probably in a lot of pain… but I hold so much anger with the ASPCA for not letting me stay with her during the process. “You can see her after she’s passed.” Excuse me? I know the staff was just doing their job, but it just seemed so inhumane and passionless. I feel so silly still holding on to these feelings.. but it just bums me out, ya know? Pets, especially dogs, are just so selfless and loving. You can’t help but want to return to the same amount of love and be there for them when they need you most. That same year, at the end of the month, I lost the most important woman in my life… my grandmother. That absolutely shattered me. She was my rock. I’m grateful that I had as much time as I did with her… and that I got to spend the last two weeks of her life with her, but at the same time? I literally watched her deteriorate and lose to lung cancer. Fuck cancer. She beat breast cancer only to lose her life battling another form. And I literally watched her die. How does a person get over that? I don’t think that you can.
Last year I was broken up with two days before my birthday. So ya know… that was awesome. As if I didn’t already hate this time of year enough, right? And of course Valentines Day ALWAYS has a way of reminding me how alone I feel/am. It’s a good time.
I know I’ll probably never fully enjoy February, but this year, I hope that I can at least enjoy and celebrate my birthday in good company without any drama or sadness… even though it’s overshadowed by the Super Bowl, which friends and family probably care about more than me. Dear lord… this entire post is bullshit. I need to pull myself out of thinking the way before I sabotage my own well-being.
