Blah.
I’m trying my best to not get caught in a downward spiral before things hit full-blow depression… but it’s hard. Really hard. The more time I spend alone with my own thoughts, the more I just want to curl up in my bed and cry. I spend half the day in bed as it is. I’m still awake at 4 am.. 5am.. sometimes 6am. I’ll pass out eventually and won’t end up dragging myself out of bed until after Noon. Today? 12:45 pm.
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I’m sure a lot of it stems from the fact that it’s February —- the worst month of the year for me for several reasons. And then there’s relationship problems…. and of course just the general feeling of life failure. When I catch myself teetering on the brink of depression, I’m usually proactive about it and start finding motivation and thriving. And I’m good at putting a smile on my face and pretending I’m okay… or at least I use to be.
It doesn’t help that my birthday is in two days and I can’t afford the trek up to Buffalo this weekend (unless something miraculous happens in the next twenty some hours) to spend it with the few friends who matter and would actually make the entire weekend enjoyable. Of course, this is entirely my own fault for not having a stable part/full-time job and for continuing to spend what money I do have on things I don’t need/boyfriend/going out with friends. I can forget about anyone coming down to visit/surprise me on my actual birthday with it being the Super Bowl and all. I wish there was a fast forward button.
